Isn’t it ironic, how when you’re just an ordinary person, you have to pay for everything, for food, clothing etc, but when you’re filthy rich and famous, you don’t have to pay for nothing, others will make a beeline to sponsor you from head to toe, and whatever food you want? What silly logic.
People always say how strangers would accept you for who you appear to be – they barely know you after all, while true friends would accept and embrace you for who you are, your “authentic self”, simply put. However, not many people talk about how the truest of friends would accept you for your changed self, for the better, or for the worse. The truest of friends would try and figure out the hows and the whys behind the change, and embrace that change as part and parcel of the person. Change is, after all, inevitable, the only constant in life, really.
In light of my recent exam blunders, I’ve come to realise that, maybe, just maybe, Cambridge and I are not meant to be after all. I have been ignoring all evidence of my inability to work under duress. How can everything be boiled down to luck, if I would always score my papers in stress-free environments but screw them up during exams? This is not bad luck, this is harsh reality – the reality that I succumb to stress too easily, and that I have bad time management skills. It seems like I can never finish my papers on time. I always take my time to do my papers, thinking that I’ll be able to finish them. Cambridge has always been known as a high-intensity university, in terms of workload, exams etc. How am I going to pull through FOUR years of tertiary education at said institution if I can even pull through FOUR weeks of A-level exams?
En route to achieving the grades required for me to get a guaranteed place at Cambridge, I have been forgoing meals for the past few months. I have been eating in the B107 classroom for the past few months while working on past papers. There were even times when I did away with lunch altogether, and of course, there were days when I would skip breakfast too. Those were the days when I would sleep at 1am, and wake up at 5am to do work. Those were the days indeed… I’m hoping that in the years to come, I would re-read this post and laugh this off, and all of this – the stress, the unwanted anxiety would mean nothing, nothing at all.
There are some things which are just not meant to be, and sometimes, admitting to this – to reality, is in and of itself, a victory worth commending.
I cannot emphasise enough how thankful I am for having the ability to be easily contented about the little things in life – like the occasional (and sometimes unexpected) “hey what’s up!”-like greetings from old friends, the seemingly insignificant “thank yous” and friendly smiles by waiters and waitresses, and the kind (and again, unexpected) deeds strangers do for other strangers and for me that make my day. Not only do these little things make me happier and more positive, they make me less cynical about people and life in general. I shall remain steadfast in my newfound philosophy, that everyone is born good, nobody is really inherently evil. Sometimes people are just blinded by confusion, fury and frustration is all.
If you find yourself feeling restless, or mentally exhausted, or just blinded and deafened by negative thoughts and emotions, try and get out of the house. Go to a park, go to Gurney Drive, go get a drink at a coffee shop, take a city bus and just soak in your surroundings – soak in the light banter between family members, friends, strangers and couples, soak in their chatter and their laughter about matters that are trivial and petty to you but important to them. Unwind. Let yourself go and let other people into your life for just one hour. That one hour is all it takes. It’s not a life-changing experience, I don’t think, but believe me, all your troubles and sorrows, feelings of anger, bitterness and frustration will dissipate as though they have never been there in the first place. Just like that, they will be reduced to nothingness during that period of time. Granted, your problems will still be there, unless you do something about them yourself (let’s be pragmatic), but getting away from your own universe, i.e. your PERCEIVED reality for just a short while to look at others’ opens your weary eyes to so many things, which will allow you to put things in perspective and in turn, will enable you to do the same for your problems. Looking at the seemingly unimportant might just give you that spark of inspiration, that ah-ha moment that might just as well, slowly but surely, solve your problems, or at least, change the way you view them.
Savour the little things in life – they are there for a reason. Everything always is.
I don’t know if you guys miss me as much as I miss you guys since you guys have so many friends now but well, the fact that you guys have your own close friends now doesn’t make me miss you guys less. I really hate the me now, the JY now, I miss the Simmy before all this bitterness.