In light of my recent exam blunders, I’ve come to realise that, maybe, just maybe, Cambridge and I are not meant to be after all. I have been ignoring all evidence of my inability to work under duress. How can everything be boiled down to luck, if I would always score my papers in stress-free environments but screw them up during exams? This is not bad luck, this is harsh reality – the reality that I succumb to stress too easily, and that I have bad time management skills. It seems like I can never finish my papers on time. I always take my time to do my papers, thinking that I’ll be able to finish them. Cambridge has always been known as a high-intensity university, in terms of workload, exams etc. How am I going to pull through FOUR years of tertiary education at said institution if I can even pull through FOUR weeks of A-level exams?
En route to achieving the grades required for me to get a guaranteed place at Cambridge, I have been forgoing meals for the past few months. I have been eating in the B107 classroom for the past few months while working on past papers. There were even times when I did away with lunch altogether, and of course, there were days when I would skip breakfast too. Those were the days when I would sleep at 1am, and wake up at 5am to do work. Those were the days indeed… I’m hoping that in the years to come, I would re-read this post and laugh this off, and all of this – the stress, the unwanted anxiety would mean nothing, nothing at all.
There are some things which are just not meant to be, and sometimes, admitting to this – to reality, is in and of itself, a victory worth commending.
From now on, I’ll no longer hold back what I truly feel about people, about their attitudes to me, and to things in general. I’ll give them a piece of my mind since people do that anyway. Why should I give certain people the ego boost all the time even though they clearly don’t deserve it, why should I make people feel good about themselves when the favour is not returned? From now on, not only will I be honest to myself, I will be honest to others too. But then again, this quality that I’m about to relinquish is my only saving grace, people like being with me solely because of this – because I don’t criticize, not severely no, and I certainly do not comment on how they should act, even though there are times when their demeanors annoy me, but just a bit, because I try not to care – I give them the liberty to do whatever they wish to do, simply because I want to be returned the same favor. On this note, I believe everything is conditional, love is even more so, in fact. I help people with their problems, I shower people with compliments from time to time in the hopes of alleviating their weariness after a long day and simply making them feel good about themselves, I don’t give my two cents on how they should act and I certainly don’t tell them frankly how I feel, simply because I don’t want to be given the same treatment. But now I realised, doing good to others doesn’t mean you’ll be done good to. Obviously I’m not going to turn into a nasty person overnight, I’m just going to be gradually less submissive and I’ll learn how to say ‘no’ to requests for favours, and I’ll soon learn and master the art of pioritising people who mean something to me, who would, even on occasion, return the same favour.