For no particularly good reason really, this growing rage is eating at me and I have no control over it whatsoever. Whenever I see a soft object I just feel like punching it, and punching it hard; whenever I see a hard object I just feel like hurling it across the room just to hear that loud BAM that ensues; whenever I see a door I just feel like opening it wide and slamming it shut; whenever I see papers I just feel like ripping them apart and whenever I see pencil and paper I just feel like scribbling nonsensical crap all over the surface until there are grotesque gashes, just to make sense of this irrational and illogical fury. But then again do I do them? No. I just carry on with my ever monotonous life, doing past papers and pretending that everything is OK, everything is perfectly fine.
i’ve lost count as to how many times i’ve tried but failed to suppress my tears over petty matters, or at least over matters which might seem important now but whose importance will be reduced to complete nothingness in the distant future, or in the grander scheme of things. i always tell myself time and time again how unreasonable this is – i should know better that i have my limits, and no amount of irrational fear – fear of failure to be more precise, can push those limits. these negative thoughts are like dementors – they literally suck happiness out of me, which makes me wonder whether i’m breaking down at the seams, succumbing to depression as we know it. there are times when i can just have my mind preoccupied with one negative thought, and before i know it, an influx of negative thoughts come all at once, consuming me whole, and then i would feel incredibly helpless, because no matter what i do, no matter how i try to preoccupy my mind with something else, i can’t seem to fend off these thoughts, i just let them fester and spread. and then i start to cry because i’m so useless that i can’t even control my own being – how i feel, and how i allow myself to be trampled over by these thoughts, and let them govern me. i can just dwell on the same negative thoughts for the entire day without doing anything (anything productive anyway) and this i know, is not healthy. it’s unhealthier than skipping meals, even more so than getting 3-4 hours a day. at least coffee can help with sleep deprivation, and i can be deluded with the fact that i am actually energetic enough to do work, and i can forego sleep to be productive, but there’s no temporary or permanent remedy for these thoughts. i just have to either sleep them off or will them away, but it takes at least a day, by which i’ll have done nothing productive.
There were names littered throughout my family which sounded cold and scary, but which almost universally meant good things. I remember Lexapro. I remember wanting to thank him for making people happy when they used to be incapable of it. When you are a little kid and you see people who are depressed — whose emotions seem to make no sense, wholly untethered to whatever good things may be happening to them — you just want it to go away. You don’t quite blame yourself (though you are often inclined to try to fix it in the way a child would), but you know that it means people don’t want to go out for a picnic when it’s sunny. They sometimes don’t even want to get out of bed. And you know that this is bad, and that it makes you sad by extension.
I remember hearing a friend say…
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hah, i said i’d had found my newfound vigour and would go on a past paper frenzy, if one past paper (i.e. chemistry AS 2012 paper 12) constitutes a ‘frenzy’, suit yourself. but yeah, i’ve been super unproductive today. to think i’d dedicated a good FIVE days for as chemistry, i now have ONE day left, which is tomorrow, and this plan is already encroaching on the further stats revision territory. well what can i say, i’m the master of procrastination and i’d excel in all modules related to it. procrastination due to facebook, procrastination due to distractions (comfy bed, comfy couch, comfy armchair you name it) etc. and i’m up at 2:26am reading articles on thought catalog. way to go, jia ying, way to go~