First it’s the unsatisfactory AS results, then it’s the repeated failure to not meet the Cam requirement for IELTS writing, then failure to socialise and communicate with old classmates, etc etc. People always say how failures are character building yada yada yada, perhaps I have yet to seen the effects of said character building but I’m starting to see their adverse effects. Low self-esteem, depression, the over-worrying are just examples I can think of off my head at the moment. I’m starting to really worry about my A-level results – I have been trying to get this concern of mine out of my system by getting out of the house every chance I get, by attempting (and failing) to engage my hedonistic self by meeting up with friends whenever I can (though sometimes I would find myself zoning out even when exciting chatter is taking place). I no longer enjoy partaking in conversations – I’m contented with just being a spectator, a listener, no more no less. I think I was too ambitious by putting Imperial as my insurance choice, come to think of it, I might have really screwed up maths too – might not get the A* I need. A friend reminded me that going into clearing is not an actual plan, but what is? I don’t think I can afford to be picky as of now – I’ll just go to whichever university that is willing to offer me a place out of sympathy, or pure merit (if I have any semblance of it left really).
The thing is, it’s not that I didn’t try to do well, I did, in fact, maybe I tried too hard. I royally screwed up further maths 1 even though it was an easy paper – I was too caught up with trying to get every answer right I lost track of time. It was bad, real bad. Now I’m just hoping to scrap an A for it really.
Sometimes I even think about drinking away my sorrows. I really do.