The pleasures of being alone?

It’s so strange how I used to dislike the idea of being alone, how I used to crave company so bad, how I used to sorely dislike the times when I had to eat alone when M and J had koperasi duties, how I used to hate being SEEN alone, even – I didn’t want people to draw any conclusions that I was weird and so no one wanted to be in my company. Or maybe I was, and still am?

Now though, things are different. I often find myself yearning for those precious moments when I can be alone. To be honest, there are times when I prefer to be alone with my thoughts for company than with people, even when the opportunity for the latter presents itself. When I’m alone, there’s no social convention or protocol that I have to adhere to. I can act however I like without people judging me, or looking at me one kind. Being alone is not necessarily unhealthy, it allows me to be more introspective; I can take some time to do some self-reflection, especially on how I can improve myself for the better. And most importantly, I can laugh without inhibition when I’m reading or watching something funny on the internet without people giving me strange looks. On that note, I think I really am too self-conscious for my own good. It’s amazing how I much I’ve changed in the space of one and a half years, from rejecting loneliness, to accepting it and to finally embracing it as part and parcel of what gives my life more meaning. Granted, there are times when I find myself delving into my own negative thoughts and feelings, when I find myself wallowing in self-pity and self-doubt whenever I’m alone, but being with others don’t help matters, I’ve come to realise, because whenever I’m in this dreaded state of mind, I would be grumpier and I may even lash out at people (but even when this circumstance arise I’d suppress my discontent by just shutting up). Now, now why would I want to do that? Lash out at people I mean. So at least when I’m alone, in that state of mind, nobody innocent gets hurt (emotionally) in the process. Why should I allow my tendency to dwell on negative things affect anyone? This is selfish and I won’t allow it. But I’m finding it really hard to put on a brave façade or a jolly front…

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