i’ve lost count as to how many times i’ve tried but failed to suppress my tears over petty matters, or at least over matters which might seem important now but whose importance will be reduced to complete nothingness in the distant future, or in the grander scheme of things. i always tell myself time and time again how unreasonable this is – i should know better that i have my limits, and no amount of irrational fear – fear of failure to be more precise, can push those limits. these negative thoughts are like dementors – they literally suck happiness out of me, which makes me wonder whether i’m breaking down at the seams, succumbing to depression as we know it. there are times when i can just have my mind preoccupied with one negative thought, and before i know it, an influx of negative thoughts come all at once, consuming me whole, and then i would feel incredibly helpless, because no matter what i do, no matter how i try to preoccupy my mind with something else, i can’t seem to fend off these thoughts, i just let them fester and spread. and then i start to cry because i’m so useless that i can’t even control my own being – how i feel, and how i allow myself to be trampled over by these thoughts, and let them govern me. i can just dwell on the same negative thoughts for the entire day without doing anything (anything productive anyway) and this i know, is not healthy. it’s unhealthier than skipping meals, even more so than getting 3-4 hours a day. at least coffee can help with sleep deprivation, and i can be deluded with the fact that i am actually energetic enough to do work, and i can forego sleep to be productive, but there’s no temporary or permanent remedy for these thoughts. i just have to either sleep them off or will them away, but it takes at least a day, by which i’ll have done nothing productive.