i should return to infancy

my dear readers please bear with me, i promise that all this negativity will stop once my exams are over. when i’m under huge amount of stress i just turn into a really angry, disgruntled and depressed person. i can’t promise that i will stop posting posts of such negative, self-deprecating nature but the frequency and intensity will be less, i can assure you of that.

i’m 18 going on 19 now, yet i still can’t speak properly, walk properly, eat properly, act properly and the list can go on forever, hence the title.

my dad had once suggested that i attend ‘modeling’ classes to learn how to walk with proper gait and posture. dr m suggested that i should speak slowly and with more clarity, and do meditation to achieve that. i know they meant well, i seriously do, but i can’t help but feel that all this should come naturally, that i don’t actually HAVE to force myself to do these simple tasks, such as talking and walking. these should be learned since infancy for goodness’ sake, yet i still can’t master them.

i still remember back in primary six, my form teacher had to take me out of the classroom on a tour of the school and teach me how to walk in a more ‘lady-like’ fashion. she even called me “da jia jie” (big sister in a derogatory manner) in front of everyone in the library. i honestly was irritated by all of this – i was so convinced that she had the tendency to pinpoint my mistakes all the time. her lesson didn’t work out anyway, i still walk like how i used to work and i know it, now with an added hunch. so basically the female version of hunchback of notre dame?

all of this makes me feel very flawed. it’s like my whole body, my whole physical appearance is wrong. my hair is the hugest victim, almost EVERYONE i know would have commented on my perpetually unruly hair at some point, and i really don’t blame them, it IS what it is and i have to admit it. it’s just so difficult to manage it and all of this makes me wonder how people can manage it so seemingly effortlessly. i think my hair has always been the subject of criticism, heck i had to straighten it when i was 15 just to make myself look more presentable when anchoring for this documentary about chew jetty we made for the KWN competition. i’ve been to so many hairdressers and all of them say this very same thing to me all the time “i think you should straighten your hair – you’ll look so much prettier!” if you don’t believe me, follow me on a hairdresser trail, i’m willing to bet with everything i have that everyone of them will say the exact same thing to me. gah i feel so superficial even talking about this whole physical appearance meaning something to me, but i won’t deny that it means a lot to me, as of now at least. my mum always says to me “appearance should not be prioritized at your age, your studies are more important.” i just don’t get why i can’t just embrace this – i’d be using my time studying and doing more productive activities than thinking about this and blogging about it. and it’s also so strange that at the time of hearing the comments, i didn’t make much of them but now when i’m feeling all emo and stressed out all these negative feelings surface in full force – is this a telltale sign of depression? :S i sure hope not!

i had a really strange dream last night. i dreamt that i was with my high school friends, but i remember that i couldn’t find anything to talk to them about – a strong indication that we’re all drifting apart and going on our separate ways, which is just sad. or maybe i’ve just grown more and more awkward by the day due to lack of female company, idk. this issue must be rectified at once after by exams, this is a promise i’ve made to myself. WL  said that she’ll be back in mid june, hopefully A comes back as well, so can M and J and we can go for the georgetown festival together and eat la boheme and talk and rant the day away like we used to. gah i really miss all this very, very much, this comfortable sense of familiarity. but all of this will have to wait until after A2 is over…

really should be getting back to work, again, sorry for the negative post. i pledge to have more positive stuff updated after the exams and inundate this blog with photos of food until you have to beg me to stop putting them up! :p


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