inferior complex

i’m starting to think, or rather, believe, that i have inferior complex. i’ve never once looked myself in the mirror and feel pleased with who i am. i always want to be other people. no matter how hard i try, i can never please myself or anyone. and just when i think i just may have achieved what i want of myself, people give me the ‘you try too hard’ look. there are so many around me, who can be intelligent, insightful and good-looking, who do not really have to work very hard to achieve the grades i want, who do not have to try very hard to smile a nice smile, or eat and walk properly. everything seems, or IS second nature to them. but wait, aren’t eating and walking activities that can be done subconsciously? but no, not for me. there are people who do not need to brush their hair like 10 times a day to keep it… presentable. i don’t even need my hair to be neat, it can be messy, as long as it’s presentable. but no, i have to tend to my hair all the time so that it looks remotely presentable. whenever i go to some hairdresser’s place, the hairdresser would definitely ask me to straighten my hair. it’s a 100% thing, i’ve been to what, 6 different ones in my brief 18-year old life, everyone of them says that my hair is thick, dry and needs straightening. my mum always tries to reassure me that they’re just trying to earn my money. as much as i want to believe that to be true, i know deep down it’s not.

ok enough about the hair. what i’m trying to say is that there are so many people who don’t need the make much of an effort to be… likable, to themselves or to everyone else. they say the right things at the right time, they have the ‘right’ looks, they have the ‘right’ disposition, they have the ‘right’ behaviour etc. there’s something about good-looking people, i’m not trying to view this in a negative light or anything, don’t get me wrong, it’s just a neutral observation i’ve made, it is that good-looking people, handsome and pretty people do not have to really go all out (i hope you get my gist). they are liked if they’re not mean. they don’t have to be extremely kind or be a sweetheart, they just have to be there and be liked. that’s all. people who aren’t as ‘stereotypically’ good looking (hope you get my gist for this too) have to… go all out, be extra kind, do extra good stuff in the hopes of being liked. i had a friend who once told me this: the first thing people look at, is your looks, you can only get to know one’s personality after longer periods of time. i’ve never believed in this but now i’m starting to get why it’s so.

anyways, it’s time for me to go back to physics. if there’s a degree in procrastination i’d most definitely get a first class honours for it.

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