Si frustrant!

it is so frustrating that I can do past papers just fine at home, but when it comes to exams, I just have to royally screw up everything. So either I run out of time during the exam because I spend way too much time checking the easy questions (easy questions scare me, not the tough ones…), and I end up not being able to have time to process or think through the difficult ones (which I may have been able to do had I been better at managing my time) or I just forget how to do certain things that I would have been able to do perfectly fine at home. The worst thing of it all is that I made this same mistake in Physics P2 again after maths p3 – I just never learn now do I? And it’s not like I can help this constant paranoia that I will lose easy marks if I don’t check properly, it is just there, it is just effing there and I have no idea how to get rid of it! :S

There’re just so many flaws that I want to get rid of, but I just can’t no matter how hard I try. I try to walk slower and more carefully so as to not collide into people or bump into things in my way (and trust me it is extremely difficult to the point of being physically and mentally excruciating), but I am bound to bump into something. I try to hold things properly but I’ll end up dropping them. No matter how close my legs are to each other, one of my feet will definitely hit someone else’s among others. And trust me, it is extremely difficult for someone who is inherently clumsy to not be clumsy. I have a feeling people get irritated by clumsy people, I know it because I can feel that irritation radiate out of people whenever my clumsy side surfaces (note the word surfaces: i try to suppress my clumsiness at all times). I am sure even the least bothered of people would feel a slight tinge of irritation. But I don’t know, should I have such high (sometimes irrationally so) regards towards what others’ view of me and continue suffering in silence while I try NOT to be clumsy, or should I just be who I am and let people get annoyed by me?

It seems to me that sometimes I try too hard so that people would actually like me, to the point that my niceness becomes irritating too – like overly nice to the point that it is I don’t know, suffocating? It seems as though my goal in life is to not let people not like me, so I go all out, just to compensate for whatever stupid things that I do that annoy people. I am not the least bit attractive, nor am I particularly interesting, nor can I talk about anything under the sun, my only redeeming point is to be nice and kind. And it is really funny that these thoughts bother me, sometimes they bother me that I have sleepless nights. People usually have sleepless nights because they have too much work to do, I have these thoughts to occupy the better part of my mind, and these thoughts, are annoying! I don’t mind if they’re there really, just momentarily, but they’re just lingering there, left unresolved.

Then again the same questions arise: Why wouldn’t I talk about these issues to someone? Is there someone out there who would listen and not judge? The reason why I’m so private about things is that I’m afraid of how people would judge me. And yes, I view how people view me very highly, so highly it frustrates me, because I really shouldn’t. I don’t even need advice, I just need someone to listen is all.

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