So thoroughly sick!

I’m so thoroughly sick of a few things, a few things that I can’t seem to be able to change at the moment:

1. I’m effing sick of being so clumsy and careless all the time! Not a day passes without me either a. breaking stuff, b. ruining stuff, c. dropping stuff, d. making stuff go wrong. I dropped my iPod again today (second time already) and 70% of the screen is now shattered, way to go JY, way to go. 

2. So effing sick of doing past paper questions, the monotony of this is killing me, eating me up on the inside, I want to do other things, I want to do solo traveling, I want to wait tables, I want to do something else! 

3. So effing sick of myself (negativity like this shouldn’t be warranted, but trust me, it is in my case, you’ve heard of my stories but you don’t know how I feel.). I don’t want to be overly anxious over petty matters, I don’t want to SEEM competitive, I don’t want to be antisocial, I don’t want to appear stuck up or aloof, I don’t want to be easily afraid of things, I don’t want to be judged by people who may have heard of my stories but have not felt them thoroughly. I don’t want to have messy curly hair that needs combing every half an hour, I don’t want to have stains on my t-shirt whenever I eat and I don’t want to walk with a hunched back. I’ve tried very hard to change what I don’t like about myself, but I guess I’m destined to be like this because really, I’ve tried very hard to change the things I don’t like about myself and now I’m effing sick and tired to change. 

But of course, you would tell me, I should be thankful that I am born in a relatively okay family and without disabilities of any kind. I know I should be grateful for what I have instead of being angry and frustrated about the things I don’t. But I can’t help but feel this way. There are many people around me, who are born with supreme intelligence, beauty, great personality, and are not in the least bit clumsy, unorganized, disorientated, blur, absent-minded, forgetful, careless (and the list goes on, any negative adjective you can think of) LIKE me. I know I only have myself to blame for all of this, but really, all these traits, they’re inherent, I’ve tried getting rid of them, really I have, but nothing’s changed (things might have worsen too!) 

What should I do? I’m flawed beyond repair… just like my iPod. 

😦

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