What’s happening to me?

The title says it all. I have no idea what has happened to me over the course of 9 months. I have lost the flair for being boisterous and for talking about anything under the sun, and to think that this was second nature to me (the ability to talk about anything, that is). I’ve become so awkward around people, or maybe I’ve always been like this; perhaps Penghwa was like a comfort zone for me, and I was able to feel completely comfortable letting my guard down and not feel self-conscious about my behavior. I took some days to ponder this, and I arrived to the conclusion that I may be inherently introverted, cuz I never talk to people other than my friends or my closest family members; in other words, I have been disillusioned all the while, I really am not an extrovert, I’m just extroverted among people whom I’m familiar with. If I were truly extroverted, I would be able to socialize with ease, any semblance of awkwardness should elude me. I’ve embraced that fact about me, but I still can’t help but feel a tinge of sadness I’ve “changed” (even though I may always have been like this) in the eyes of my loved ones. Not one, not two but a few of my closest friends remarked that I’ve changed – that I’m no longer the “Simmy” that I used to be, even the name “Simmy” sounds so foreign right now. Like I no longer talk the way I used to, with enthusiasm so great one can experience the vicarious thrill of a story I’m telling, or with gestures so elaborate that I can be dubbed “the most dramatic person of the year”. The name “Simmy” gives people the idea that the name bearer is a very cheerful and a delightful person to hang out with. I’m no longer that person, Simmy is in effect, quoting a lyric, “just somebody that I used to know”. Some of my friends remarked from the way I talk and behave, that I’ve become more prim and proper, considerably quieter and also less boisterous. And when we hang out, I would just sit there and listen to my friends’ conversations, and be contented with that. To be honest, I don’t even know whether I should feel happy or sad about my little transformation, I guess this is what people mean by “having mixed feelings”. On one hand, I feel a little sad, cuz I’ve turned into well, an extremely boring person, whose life “only revolves around science and maths”, quoting a teacher, which is most probably true. Secondly, I’ve become really shy and awkward. I’m perfectly fine with being shy, I just don’t like it when I’m awkward to the extent that I’m not aware of how inappropriate my behavior is, and how much it hurts others. And then, I would feel really bad and guilty after coming to the sudden realisation of the implications of my actions. On the other hand, I’ve become a considerably better listener (maybe it’s because talking is no longer my thing anymore) and I’ve become more insightful with my advice-giving. I’ve also become more of an observer than a participant, and have developed pretty good observation skills – which sort of contributes to my increased insightfulness. And well, becoming prim and proper is also sort of a good thing I guess?

Just had to get all that out, I don’t know what the point is in writing all that, but I’m glad I did, and I really don’t give a hoot why.



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