Summer break is just in a few days’ time, and I daresay, NO ONE looks forward to it more than I do, NO ONE! I can finally get some semblance of a reprieve from this social hell, let’s just call it U. I still remember how I much I dreaded going to school during the first few weeks, even when Janice was still around. Each 10-minute tutor period every morning felt like an eternity to me. I did put in some effort to initiate conversations with the other IB students by asking them questions etc, but I could never sustain a conversation, NEVER. I kept convincing myself then that, well it’s been only a few weeks, things would get better. But sadly, no, things never got better, in fact, I have a feeling that things might have gotten worse. I finally stopped my futile efforts after a few weeks, and I still regret having done so till this day. Would things be better now if I had put in more effort to talk to people? I was never like this when I was in my former school; I always had friends to talk to and I always felt at ease in the presence of others. I’m a bit reluctant to initiate conversations PRIMARILY out of fear – fear of irritating/annoying/disturbing/weirding people (namely the IB students) out. Another reason behind my self isolation, is the fact that we were brought up in different educational backgrounds, and hence, we have only a few things to talk about, and I hate moments of awkward silence. It’s amazing how I can be in the presence of a bunch of IB students and not utter A SINGLE WORD, not even one while my other A-level friends can, and with ease at that! I swear I never had this problem when I was in my former school, and it’s too late for me to rectify matters now, cuz if I start well, introducing myself again and initiating conversations, people will think I’m weird or something. I also have a feeling that they don’t really like me, for some reason or other that I don’t know of. Maybe they think I’m snobbish? Aloof? Indifferent? BIZARRE? I don’t blame them, really. If I were them I would think so too. I really only have myself to blame. I’m just not bold and initiative enough. Ugh I have no idea why I’m so upset over this when they are things that are far worse in the world, in the grand scheme of things! I like telling myself I’m perfectly fine eating alone at times (with my loyal New Scientist magazine), but I really am not. That’s why when people say that the ability to socialize is important, I always beg to differ, the ability to be alone and at peace with that is MORE important. I’m pleased that at least I’m friends with my teachers, who are pretty awesome! Gaaahhh I just want to get out of here as soon as possible, June 2013 is still so far awayyy! 😦 I’ll probably be the happiest graduate U is gonna get! Incidentally, I sort of lost faith in the some of the students at U. After putting my bag at one of the seats on the bus after school, I went to the library to return my books. When I went to the seat where I put my bag previously, I found my bag missing. I was searching high and low for my bag but it was to no avail (I was actually pretty cynical at that time, I really believed someone was puling a prank on me, knowing how mischievous the younger students are). Then I asked this really insolent girl who sat at where I put my bag, and she just pointed at one of the seats up front, WITHOUT EVEN UTTERING THE WORD “SORRY”. She moved my bag WITHOUT permission to another seat and she had the audacity to NOT apologise? I just glared at her a bit (I really hoped she got the message, but I think she didn’t judging from her indifference after that) and went to the seat up front. Honestly, how do people like this girl get friends and I don’t? 😡
My tutor teacher, Mr. A wrote this in my end of year report: “I feel sympathy for Jia Ying as she sometimes seems a little isolated at school. I hope she can overcome her natural reticence and participate in as many activities as possible to broaden her education.” It’s easier said than done, really. Where should I begin with this endeavour? Or should I just isolate myself from the rest of the world? Yeah probably the latter is how I can achieve better grades. Fair enough.